i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
