i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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