I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Randomize
