guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize