My boss' voice literally gives me gas
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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