You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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