I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
