How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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