i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
