My first STD was from a foam party
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
