Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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