you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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