she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
