im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Randomize
