Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
