Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Randomize
