just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
