I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
