I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
