Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
