I should be sponsored by Trojan
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
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