I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
