If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
