I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Randomize
