somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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