Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
