Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
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