my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Randomize