My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
