you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
