I accidentally had phone sex last night
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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