Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
