So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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