this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
