I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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