did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
