Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize