can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
