nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
