You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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