Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
