wakey wakey hands off snakey
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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