Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Randomize
