I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
