I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
