I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
