New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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