Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Randomize
