dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
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