You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Do vagina's smell?
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Randomize
