last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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