There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
