i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Randomize
