shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
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