I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Randomize
