So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Randomize
