You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
