He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Randomize
