The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
