Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Randomize