I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Randomize
