and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Randomize
