Have you finally orgasmed yet?
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
