So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize